I can't say I was never emotionally prepared for all that has happened to me... I have kept myself very jaded about life in general never giving into things like "hopes for the best" and "Good wishes"... Nothing comes of it. I also, thankfully, have never allowed myself to give into the idea that something great will last for very long. It won't. Ever.
Still. When I lie awake at night missing my apartment for the simple reason it was clean and had a shower.... I can't imagine a time I expected myself to come so damned low. So very very damned low. We haven't found a van to move into. Allen is still job hunting... and Milford is not at all a possibility right now because of the weather and gas it would take to drive from there to my job.
Which leaves me living in a place that is filthy, has no electricity, water, or gas.... and.... is..... FILTHY. I am serious. With a dog living there everything stinks and has hair. Cats crawl into the house through the dryer opening and shit in the bathroom. Oh my gods I want to take a shower!!! I contemplated going to the homeless shelter here in town only to shower. But then I think to myself... Why not stay there? Why? Well... They do not go along with "common law" marriages here in Kansas. Why? Assholes. That's the only answer I have... The government wants its 100.00 $ to give me a piece of paper that says that I am married. I have been with Allen since 2003. Engaged since 2004... I mean. Isn't that enough? Nope. Not in Kansas.
So whatever. Like I said... My mind does this thing were it tells me "you should have known" "these things are expected" and its true. But doesn't that make me a jaded shrew?
Personal Snippet
- Lucht Siuil
- I am a writer, a painter, and a lover. A pagan who doesn't get enough time with her spiritual side, and an open minded person who believes that someday we'll all be genderless beings who function for more than just the dollar. Call me what you will, you'll love me once you get to know me.
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