The Invisible Horizon

(A warning: Skip to 1st bold letter if you do not want to hear my anguish.)

I want to cry.

Crying makes me feel better, lets it out, and generally clears my head for a time. To be honest, I can't. Sure, I'll sniffle here and there - the eyes sometimes water but since I received the eviction notice for my apartment the very same day I got a new job... Well... I stopped and haven't been able to since.

Life is an irony to me. I get a job, I loose my apartment. I find the love of my life and he's a smoker. I find a place to live and its too dirty to live in (Seriously.)... I get the cash to get new brakes the problem ends up being 2x's more severe. I have the money to purchase the perfect van and the guy selling it gives it away for free to someone else. I finally get a free two burner coleman camping stove and purchase the propane tanks for Allen's birthday and the gas line breaks as I am cooking his birthday dinner. I mean... C'mon! Can't I get ONE good thing without having to swim through a bog of stench first?!

I promised I wouldn't do this in this blog. I told myself over and over again there was no point in spilling shit over the front lawn if no one is going to clean it up.

I just can't help but feel numb. I want to move on, push forward, but I know... When I get there, something will pull me back to square one or lower. Not the neatness of death but the agony of continued life close to it. I must have done something in a previous life to earn the ire of all three fates. Perhaps not. Perhaps I want someone to blame and who better than the one before me? Or some supernatural film that covers my eyes? Why not. Greeks blamed lightning on Zeus. Why can't I blame my misery on karmic powers?

Today was what brought this out.

Let me tell all of you out there something... People suck. Trust no one. This I have learned countless times, every time someone says otherwise I have a story to prove my way is better and safer.

Went to shower (Mind you I have been gone for hours or a full day in the past and nothing was ever stolen.) when the bastard living near us steals both of our chairs and Allen's fishing pole. He denies it of course, but I have no heart in me to care to do more than glare at him and shun his words. I am angry and it will pass. I am more upset that he took a possession of my beloved. If not for him I would throw his favorite pup off of the cliff we camp near and watch her deformed body struggle to swim, then die as the cold water numbs her limbs and pushes her to the bottom. This was my first thought, Allen knew, and so we left camp with what little he left behind and came into town. Sure, some of you may think me vile for wanting to punish the dog for Michael's theft - but it isn't the dog I am punishing. It would be him, he would be devasted. Good riddance I say, it pisses on our camp.

Anger, isn't something I often give into. In the case of hurting, harming, or stressing out a loved one I do not care to hold back a violent rage comparable to that of old-world Roman warriors or gladiators. Let anger inspire in me the horrors you will suffer for it. I have few people in life I cherish. Jail time is nothing to me if it means I have avenged them and brought them happiness. Oddly - that very same way of thinking is why I have never killed myself. They would be hurt, and I do not wish to cause them harm.

Now that I am done venting the best this medium allows - I shall move on to more, relevant topics. I have learned two things while at camp! Tea and Coffee made with fire tastes better than that made on a propane stove, and you can never have enough quilts!

Also...

Neat trick. Purchase an aluminum bowl. Large or medium - doesn't matter. Make sure the bottom is a perfect size for putting things on. Take a nail and hammer and poke several holes near the top and bottom. Make a fire, when the coals are red-hot put the bowl over it (Upside down of course) make sure the holes can provide proper ventilation. Occassionally feed the coals. Then, when the bowl is hot enough to sizzle water - you can start cooking!

No recipes for you guys today... Ramen and cans of spaghetti are all I have eaten these passed.... Heh... Day (Couldn't eat yesterday or the day before.). However... If you're ever in need of the perfect spice to go on anything (and I mean anything) purchase Adobo. The all-spice of spices. We spanish use it vigorously among others but this is the one most people outside of our heritage seem to like.

That's it for today folks. Have a wonderful walk!